With the trailer for the latest Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson trailer being mercilessly circulated, it’s an interesting time for hockey fans. This January was supposed to be every puckhead’s sweet spot, with the World Junior Championships in their rearview and the upcoming Olympic tournament and playoff push on the horizon. But with this troubling trailer making the rounds, they are instead asking themselves questions like why would a pro hockey player be called the tooth fairy?; and why would a pro hockey player be asked to be a real-life tooth fairy?; and who thought this would be a good movie?; and why is hockey the sport that always gets saddled with these crappy flicks (with the notable exceptions of Slapshot and Miracle).

That being said, here’s a rundown of the worst of the worst.

The Love Guru

Sports fans were hesitant to refer to Mike Myers’ bizarre comeback film as a “hockey movie,” instead choosing to cast it off into the “really, really, really fucking stupid movie” genre. But the sport and one of its most-historic teams (the Toronto Maple Laffs..uh.. Leafs) do play a prominent role in this convergence of every dumb old joke in history. The results are pretty brutal, with not a single Myers joke inspiring even a chuckle. That is until the Leafs win the Stanley Cup at the end of the flick. Now THAT is comedy!

Sudden Death

So terrorists have planted a bomb at the deciding game of the Stanley Cup finals between Chicago and Pittsburgh and only Jean-Claude Van Damme can stop it from detonating. And exactly how much cocaine was involved in the formulation of this film’s premise? In another case of the National Hockey League foolishly lending its licenses to a misguided big-budget production, Van Damme actually sneaks into the championship game as a goaltender in his efforts to thwart the bombing attempt. Seriously, how much blow are we talking here?

Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice

You’d think it would be difficult to sully the reputation of a classic sports comedy like Slap Shot, which until Miracle was released in 2004, stood alone as an all-time great hockey flick. But all the crappiest of elements are here: flimsy story, unsightly sports action, unappealing characters, and of course star turns from the legendary Stephen Baldwin and Gary Busey, who would be reunited in another classic film, Fallacy. The Hanson brothers return for cheap laughs, but there is literally nothing to salvage in a film that proves that indeed nothing is sacred.

Mystery, Alaska

Caked in all the carnage are some endearing qualities. But there isn’t enough good will on the planet to overcome some truly glaring flaws, most notably Russell Crowe on skates, a cameo from Little Richard, and an unfeasible premise in which the New York Rangers come to a small town in Alaska to play the local beer league team. How on earth can the NHL continue to whore out their most legendary teams to Hollywood?

MVP: Most Valuable Primate

Before pirates, vampires, and ninjas became Hollywood’s go-to production element, conventional wisdom dictated that throwing a monkey in anything would make it more fun to watch. Of course, this was before we started hearing about pet monkeys ripping people’s faces off. Unfortunately, MVP managed to pre-date the monkey backlash, so we’ve now been subjected to watching a chimp play ice hockey. We won’t go into the details of the film. It’s a monkey playing hockey. There’s nothing left to say, really, we’ve hit rock-bottom as a species.

D3: the Mighty Ducks

We enjoyed the original Mighty Ducks movie as a casual hockey indulgence. Not enough to understand how an Emilio Estevez movie eventually inspired an actual NHL franchise, of course. Unfortunately, the film was just popular enough to generate a series of mediocre sequels, none more uninspired than D3. While the first sequel involved a bizarre international tournament in which the Ducks fought for the gold medal against Iceland (who are apparently considered a global hockey power over at Disney), D3 saw the boys trying to crack the squad at a posh prep school. Disappointing as the story was, there was no way Ducks fans were accepting a Ducks film in which Emilio Estevez got benched, relegated to only a couple of small scenes. Emilioooooo!!!

Youngblood

One of the few hockey movie found in the “so bad, it’s good” aisle at the local rental joint, there’s lots to love in this 1980’s classic, none of which includes stellar acting or moviemaking. Lowe on skates is mesmerizing enough, and not because he looks good. Throw in the pre-Point Break tandem of Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves and this film might deserve a spot in the Smithsonian. It even inspired a never-ending debate over which aspect of Reeves’ role seemed less believable: Reeves as a hockey player or Reeves as a French Canadian.