We’ve all been following baseball’s steroid issue here in eternity and all took notice the other day when that big oak tree named Mark McGwire turned out to be a sap. Boy, what a surprise, he used steroids. I nearly fell out of my fishing boat. Come on, give me a break! I might have been going senile at that time while my son was dragging me around signing memorabilia, but I knew something had to be up with him and Sammy Sosa during that run at Roger Maris’ single-season home run record. I had some fun with him at the 1999 All Star Game at Fenway Park when I asked him if he ever smelled the wood burning on his bat when he connected. Now I know the only thing he smelled was the crap coming from his ass after all the bullshit he was pulling.
He’ll be forgiven just like some of those other dopes that did it, but they’ll probably never get into the Hall of Fame and even if they do, when they drop dead and come here and try to get in one of our games, they’ll be banished.
I’m not the only guy that feels strongly about this. In fact, here’s someone who has a stronger opinion than I do. Let me bring in the Sultan of Swat, Babe Ruth. Hey Babe, what do you think about those clowns like McGwire that used steroids?

Hello Ted. I guess you’re talking to those computer people again. I have to tell you, I think all of these guys should get their heads handed to them. These players cheated, case closed. What really gets me is that they had it made. Although the two of us made good money when we played, we earned every dollar. We never cheated the game or the fans. Do you think people would have called Yankee Stadium the “House That Ruth Built,” if they knew I was doing something to my body to make the ball travel further? No way. I’ll tell you Ted, I might have played a few hundred games in my life recovering from a hangover and many more suffering from a bad stomach caused by a few dozen pregame hot dogs, but I never cheated the fans out of giving my best.

Imagine if Gehrig would have used drugs to keep his streak alive. You think the sympathy everyone had for him would have been as great or that his farewell speech would have mattered? Forget about it.
If Miller Huggins ever found out I was doing something like this he would have cut my balls off and hung them from the centerfield flag pole.

What do you think they should do to those players Ted?

I think all of the guys that used this junk should fess up. Be a freaking man and admit it. Christ, I missed five of the best friggin years of my career fighting in two wars for my country, flying planes over enemy territory. It really makes my blood boil when I think that I could have probably broken your single-season home run record and the all time total as well, if I didn’t miss those seasons. You think any of these cocksuckers would have given up seasons of their career to go off and fight in Afghanistan or Iraq? Shit no. They’re a bunch of piss ant cowards.

Yeah, you’re right. You had a shot at my records. So did the Mick until he had all his injuries. I saw Maris walking around the other day and he was pissed. He said McGwire and Sosa will have to kiss his ass for all eternity for the sham they played out during the 1998 season.

I know Babe. I can imagine all the pitchers too like Clemens that probably used this stuff. Bob Feller didn’t need any extra help getting me out. He just fired that natural 100 plus mile-and-hour fastball past me. And can you imagine what numbers guys like Aaron, DiMaggio, Foxx and Mays could have put up with performance enhancing drugs? They would have had to move the fences back to 600 feet just to make it fair. Hell, I would have hit at least 800 homers after shooting a few needles up my ass.

I’ll tell you Ted, I was pissing my pants when I heard McGwire say that the steroids didn’t help him and that he only took them for his health. My ass he did. Wait a minute. I better watch what I say because Canseco might want to jab my ass with a needle when he gets here.

By the way Ted, I have to get ready for a game. Can you do me a favor?

Sure Babe, what do you need?

Here’s a hot dog. Can you shoot one in my ass? I need my performance enhancement for the game today. Don Drysdale is pitching and I need to be alert for his high hard one.

Sure Babe. Would you like mustard and relish?

Just relish. Save the mustard for Reggie when he finally gets here.

See ya Babe. See Ya kid.

The Splendid Splinter